The Lord of The Ringpulls The Austin Towers, baby
by NatzandtheRatz
Summary: The sequel to The Lord of the Ringpulls! Will Smelly and Pipsqueak escape the P'orcs? Will Sorryman be defeated? Will I ever write anything but parodies? No. But read and review, please!
1. The Roiders of Ronan

The Lord of the Ring-Pulls  
Or  
How I learned to Stop Worrying and Start Loving to Beat Up Hapless  
Orcs  
  
Volume Two- The Austin Towers, Baby!  
  
Chapter One The Roiders of Ronan  
  
For two hours straight Aragormless, Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass ran after the party of D'orcs that had abducted Smelly and Pipsqueak. Two hours, that is, taking into account the seven hours they had spent eating, the ten hours spent sleeping and the five hours spent at Barometer's funeral and wake.  
All in all, it had been a day since Barometer's death and the breaking of the Fellowship, but to the remainder of the Fellowship it felt like an entire year had passed. Eventually getting sick of Grouchi's complaints of shooting pains in his left arm due to running, Aragormless signalled for the party to stop as they came over a slight rise, looking out over a flat, green country.  
"This is the land of Ronan, land of horses, and curiously, no snakes." Said Aragormless to the rest of the Fellowship.  
"We know." Said Leggylass. "Unlike Rabbits, we studied geography."  
"The men here are tall and fair-haired. Bleached, naturally. They speak in a strange tongue, and are fond of dressing in green, singing pop ballads, drinking bitter black liquid and carrying out religious terrorism." Continued Aragormless.  
"Ve know. Ve're not thick." Said Grouchi.  
"When you're quite finished," said Dill, stooping down and picking something up from the ground, "you may want to take a look at this."  
In her hand she held one of the Blue Ship brooches given to the Fellowship in LoatheLorraine. Aragormless gasped, quickly snatching the trinket from Dill and inspecting it in the light. .  
"Using my Ranger skills, I have deduced from this small clue that the Rabbits came this way!" he said.  
"Never mind the Rabbit and D'orc footprints we're following," muttered Leggylass, "or the 30ft signs reading: Dear D'orcs, don't forget to bring the Rabbits to Ivanhoe! Love Sorryman. PS Ivanhoe's this way."  
  
Aragormless opened his mouth to chastise her, when Dill interrupted. "Horses at twelve o' clock!" said the Warden, leaping behind a rock and pulling her elvish cloak around her. Grouchi and Leggylass looked up, and saw many riders heading in their direction. Following Dill's lead, they cowered behind the rock until the riders had passed them by. Aragormless however, remained where he was, gazing at the LoatheLorraine brooch, and the others watched as he was trampled by the riders of Ronan.  
  
Grouchi, Dill and Leggylass leapt from their hiding place and ran over to check whether the king was alright. Unfortunately, he was fine, and the riders swiftly surrounded them.  
  
One dismounted from his horse. Removing his helmet, the Fellowship saw he was a young man, blonde and clad all in green.  
  
"Hello there, to be sure. Beggoroh bejabers, who might ye be, and what are ye doing in Ronan?" The man said.  
  
"I am Leggylass, an elf of Irk-wood, and this is Tomboy Dill, the warden of Edward-Wood in the north. That," said Leggylass pointing to Aragormless, "is Aragormless, king of Front-Dor, although you would know to look at him, and this is Ugli the dwarf..."  
  
"Grouchi the dvarf." Interrupted Grouchi.  
  
"No, I think she was right the first time." muttered Dill.  
  
"Anyway, we are tracking some D'orcs that came this way. They've taken some... acquaintances, of ours captive." Continued the elf. "Who are you, anyway?" she asked.  
  
"To be sure, me name's Éomama, and I'm the leader of these roiders." Replied the man.  
  
"Have you seen any D'orcs around here? More importantly, one called Bill, boasting about how he just killed the hottest steward in Middly-Squat Earth, savvy?" asked Dill eagerly.  
  
"Jaizus, Mary and Joseph! We killed some D'orcs just last noight, didn't we, fellas?" said Éomama. The riders nodded in agreement.  
  
"Brilliant!" Said Aragormless. "Makes our job easier. Um, you didn't see two Rabbits with them, did you?"  
  
"Rabbits?"  
  
"'Bout 3'5'' ish, mischievous, like to dress in green."  
  
"Ohhh. D'ye mean Leprechauns?" said Éomama.  
  
"No, Rabbits. Y'know, long ears, big feet, fluffy white tails? They like eating and having lots of baby rabbits that you have to sell back to the pet shop?" said Dill. The Riders looked blankly at her.  
  
"One's Scottish and rather silly, the other one's nondescript and seems to be there just to fill the space." said Leggylass.  
  
"We certainly didn't see no Leprechauns last noight." Said Éomama, "Except Dougal over there, but that was only after foive Guinnesses."  
  
The Fellowship looked sadly at each other.  
  
"What do we do now?" said Leggylass.  
  
"If ye loike, ye could take a couple of me horses and go and see where we left the D'orcs in a big smoking poile near White-Fangorn forest."  
  
He pointed to the horizon, where indeed there was a huge and very visible amount of smoke rising from a poile, sorry, pile of corpses.  
  
"Amazing how we didn't notice that before, what with Leggylass' incredible elf-vision, and Aragormless' ranger skills." Observed Dill shrewdly.  
  
"Mmm," said Aragormless impassively. "Anyway, we'll take you up on that horse thing." He said to Éomama.  
Three horses were brought forward, that looked like they had just recovered from a bout of Bubonic Plague. Grouchi eyed them warily.  
  
"Keep your fingers away from Mickey over there," Éomama advised them, "he ain't eaten nothing but D'orc for six yoirs." With that, he signalled to the riders, and they high-ho silvered away over the hill, leaving the bemused Fellowship standing alone.  
  
Dill, Leggylass and Grouchi jumped aboard the horses Éomama had given them, and set off in the direction of the smoke, leaving Aragormless to stumble after them, shouting:  
  
"Hey! Wait for meeee!"  
  
*********  
  
The next day they found themselves gazing sadly upon the smoking pile of D'orcs, wrinkling their noses slightly (although oddly enough the D'orcs smelled a little better dead than they did alive).  
No signs of the Rabbits could be seen anywhere. Dill and Leggylass wandered off aimlessly, while Grouchi rifled through the dead D'orcs, looking for wallets, gold teeth and his stolen cigars.  
Suddenly the dwarf cried out in alarm.  
"Oy gevalt! Look at vhat I've found!"  
The others rushed over to him, thinking he'd discovered an Indian Head Nickel or something just as valuable, but gasped when they saw what the dwarf brandished. It was a Dungeons and Dragons board game.  
"That lying Éomama!" said Aragormless angrily. "The Rabbits were here alright!"  
"Where shall we go now?" asked Leggylass unhappily.  
"I saw ve go and fix the vagon of that no good Ronaner." Said Grouchi, stubbing a cigar on a D'orc's head.  
"Hold your horses, dudes." Said Dill. "Literally. Mickey's wandering off. But before you go and commit mass homicide you should see this."  
After retrieving Mickey, the others gathered around Dill. On the ground before her there were some very Rabbit-esque footprints, a small trail of lettuce leaves and a tiny jacket, saying 'property of Pipsqueak Crook' on the label.  
"If I read the signs rightly," said Aragormless, catching on, "the Rabbits were here!"  
"Then they aren't dead?" said Leggylass joyfully.  
"Nope."  
"Does that mean we still have to go and find them?" said Dill, annoyed.  
"'Fraid so." Said the Ranger, following the Rabbit trail, the others scampering after him.  
The tracks lead them in zigzagging patterns; five metres to the left, one step forward two steps back, twice around the pile of dead D'orcs, until they finally plunged into White-Fangorn forest.  
Dill, Aragormless and Grouchi followed the tracks into the forest, but Leggylass lingered nervously on the borders of the wood.  
"Come on, Leggylass!" shouted Aragormless impatiently.  
"I wouldn't go in there for all the elves in LoatheLorraine!" Leggylass yelled back. "It's haunted!"  
"What is it with this book and haunted forests?" wondered Dill, as they went back and dragged Leggylass kicking and screaming into the wood.  
  
They followed the Rabbit's footprints into the forest for a while, until suddenly the tracks disappeared.  
"Vhere'd they go?" whispered Grouchi, not a little scared.  
"I told you! This place is more twisted than Michael Jackson's face!" Said Leggylass, verging on hysterics now.  
"Rubbish." Said Aragormless haughtily. "There is absolutely no such thing as gho..." when he was interrupted by a flash of white light, a puff of smoke and a chorus of heavenly singing.  
The Fellowship stood wide eyed as a figure appeared before them, clad in a spotless white suit, sporting Ralph Lauren shades and some natty dreadlocks.  
"Sorryman!" The Fellowship cried as one.  
"Uh uh! That's not the answer we're looking for. Guess again."  
"Gangwarf!" said a shocked Fellowship. "The one and only." Came the reply. "Gangwarf?" said Dill, astounded. "You look... good."  
"You sound surprised to see me. And I always look good." Said the wizard snootily to the amazed warden.  
"But... you fell. We saw you fall. You fell good!" said Aragormless increduously.  
"Evidently." Said Gangwarf coolly.  
"How did you escape the Bangle? And then get out of the bottomless pit of Custard-Doom?" said Leggylass.  
"The tale is long in the telling, and we are pressed for time..." Said the wizard. "All you need to know is that the pit was not bottomless, and I eventually escaped to LoatheLorraine, where I picked up my new threads." Continued Gangwarf, giving the Fellowship a little twirl, and hitting Grouchi in the face with a dreadlock.  
"Forgive me. I thought you had fallen into a lake of Daz." Said Leggylass, smirking.  
"Such wit." Snapped the wizard. "But know this: I am not the same Gangwarf you knew. I have passed through fire, death..."  
"And washing powder." Chipped in Dill.  
"Indeed." Said the wizard angrily.  
"Have you seen Smelly and Pipsqueak?" asked Aragormless.  
"Yes, they are quite safe. They are under the protection of the guardian of this forest. Do not trouble yourselves about them. "  
"We won't." promised Dill.  
"We have bigger fish to fry," said Gangwarf, "we must depart to Edortails, the capital of Ronan, immediately."  
"I always thought the capital of Ronan was 'R'" said Aragormless. Everyone grimaced, wondering how long the author could get away with these cheesy gags.  
"King Théowulf of Ronan is under the power of Sorryman. We must go at once and rescue him." Said Gangwarf importantly.  
"Aww, can't ve stay here?" whined Grouchi.  
"Nay! We must go to Edortails pronto, Tonto. So quit whinging." Said the wizard, leading them out of the forest and back onto the plains of Ronan.  
"Pfft. I bet he just wants to stock up on his hair bleach." Muttered Grouchi, following the wizard.  
A white horse came galloping into view, skidding to a half just in front of Gangwarf.  
"This is FedEx, the lord of all horses in Middly-Squat Earth." Said Gangwarf loudly. "He was on special offer along with my outfit."  
Presently four horses (and one man running behind shouting 'wait for me!') were soon galloping across the plains of Ronan, making their way into the next chapter. 


	2. Another Big Scary Forest

Chapter Two:

Another Big Scary Forest

Pipsqueak lay in a deep contented sleep, warm in his bed in Chip'n'Dell, dreaming of elvish songs and elvish food. He shuddered in his sleep, screaming in terror at the thought of Chip'n'Dell food and entertainment. Suddenly a cruel voice rang in his ears.

"Wakey, wakey, yer scummy little… ah… scum!"

"Ozzy?" Pipsqueak murmured drowsily, "You sound… different. Did you come off your quad bike again?"

He was shaken violently, and found himself staring into the slobbering, foaming jaws of a hideous creature.

"Wow, Ozzy! You got the plastic surgery then." He said, fully awake now.

"Shaddup, maggot! We got some questions for yer!" said his captor; a D'orc named Charles, who dragged Pipsqueak over to where Smelly lay trembling before Bill, who was clad in the white plastic armour of Sorryman.

"Which one of yer little rats 'as got the Ring-pull?" said Bill immediately, unsheathing a cruel looking feather duster and tapping it against Smelly's foot.

"Please don't kill us, o mighty and ever-so-handsome D'orc-man!" wailed Pipsqueak.

"You callin' me a D'orc? I ain't no stinkin' little D'orc! I am a D'orctrooper, one of Sorryman's elite! I'm gonna cream yer for that!" said Bill angrily, tickling the Rabbits mercilessly.

Amidst the agony of the tickling, the Rabbits looked at each other and made a silent vow of loyalty to the quest, and decided not to betray Fido. Precisely 3.7 minutes later, Smelly cracked.

"Dunno why you're bothering with me!" he shrieked. "He's the one with the Ring-pull!"

Immediately the D'orcs closed in on Pipsqueak.

"Nuh uh!" he squealed, as treacherous as Smelly. "It's him! He's got it! If he won't talk, go for his eyes!"

The D'orcs looked indecisively between the two Rabbits.

"Come on! Which one of yer's gorrit?" snarled Bill "I'm warnin' yer! I've gorra tickle stick an' I ain't afraid to use it!"

The Rabbits shrugged helplessly at the bewildered D'orcs.

"What Ring-pull?"

Bill screamed in rage, brandishing his feather duster with malice.

"I warned yer! Nah yer for it!"

"Hey!" said a larger D'orc called Colin. "Saurondemort said 'e wansta be the first ter do any ticklin, if ticklin's to be done!"

"Oooh, Saurondemort said so, did he?" said Bill in a high-pitched voice, squaring up to the other D'orc. "Pity I work for Sorryman, then, ain't it?"

The two D'orcs circled each other, dusters drawn.

"Steady on, chaps!" piped up a weedy D'orc named Schnagglurzak. "Don't let's get over exited, what what?"

"SHADDUP!" Every other D'orc screamed at him, watching as Bill and Colin proceeded to tear each other apart.

"Time to depart!" muttered Pipsqueak to Smelly, and they hopped away from the D'orc's camp, still bound at their wrists and ankles.

"I say! Would you like a hand with those ropes?" inquired Schnagglurzak cheerfully to the Rabbits, and unwittingly attracting the attention of every D'orc in the camp.

"'Ere! Those little toads is gettin away!" yelled Colin.

Instantly the bloodthirsty group (and the ever helpful Schnagglurzak) tore after the Rabbits, but were brought to a sudden halt when seventy or so Ronan riders appeared in the camp.

"Ai! The Ulster Unionists! Flee! Flee!" Cried the terrified D'orcs, but Smelly and Pipsqueak paid no attention to them. Already they were running as fast as their gigantic feet could carry them into the nearby forest of White-Fangorn.

They hurtled through the woods, until finally the distant shrieks of the D'orcs and the Ronaners cries of 'begorrahs-bejabers' were far behind them.

Alone in the forest, Smelly and Pipsqueak they stood looking at each other aimlessly for a while, waiting for the next plot point to occur. Which, in a matter of minutes (3.7, by sheer coincidence), it did.

"Lost in the forest, you are, hmm?" said a small, croaky voice that reminded Pipsqueak of a strangled Muppet.

"Who's there?" said the Rabbits nervously.

The trees shook violently; suggesting a towering figure carrying holiday weight was approaching the Rabbits' clearing. Smelly and Pipsqueak clung to each other, terrified. Suddenly a wizened green figure came hobbling into site, a full head shorter than both of the Rabbits, who burst out laughing.

"Sorry!" apologized Pipsqueak, wiping a tear from his eye. "We thought you were a giant!"

"Size matters not." Replied the green creature, a hurt tone creeping into his voice

"Who are you?" said Smelly, overjoyed to finally get a line.

"Many names I have, hmm? The Great Oz, I am to dwarves, in elvish Gonzomisspiggy my name is, but Soda you may call me." Replied Soda, puppeteers wiggling his long green ears. "Ant Guardian of White-Fangorn, I am."

"Do you work for Sorryman?" Inquired Pipsqueak nervously.

"Sorryman? No. Only the forest do I work for. And occasionally George Lucas, when right the money is."

"Phew." Sighed Smelly. "We thought you might be evil, if you worked for the White Wizard."

Soda's eyes widened. "Gone over to the Dark Side, Sorryman has?"

"Get with the times, man. He's been working for Saurondemort for ten chapters now." Replied the Rabbits.

"Always two there are, a master and an apprentice." Said Soda gravely. "Requires much thought, this does. Consult with my fellow Ants, I must. But first, to the White Wizard I will take you."

Pipsqueak and Smelly danced in shock.

"You said you didn't work for Sorryman!"

"Pfft. Watched the trailers, have you not? The White Wizard, no longer Sorryman is."

The Rabbits looked at each other, totally befuddled, completely confused, and also a little hungry, before following Soda through the trees.

*****

Soon Smelly and Pipsqueak came face to face with the new White Wizard of Middly-Squat Earth.

"Gangwarf!" they cried ecstatically.

"Naturellement. Who were you expecting; Magneto?"

"What's with the snazzy gear? Last time we met, you looked like you had recently escaped a five year spell in Wormwood Scrubs."

"Ha ha ha. Then I was merely Gangwarf the Gay. Now, I am Gangwarf the Straight, with the look to match." Replied the Wizard, peering over his shades and tapping his Rockport-clad foot impatiently.

"Well, my little Rabbits," he said finally, "you can either stay safely here in White-Fangorn with Soda, or accompany me to find the rest of the Fellowship. What's it to be?" asked Gangwarf.

The rabbits, tempted as they were by the offer of escaping the mad old Ant Soda, were a little intimidated by the phrase 'my little Rabbits', ('no longer Gangwarf the Gay, my giant hairy foot', thought Smelly) and so they decided to remain in White-Fangorn with Soda instead.

"Before you go, help the Ants decide what to do about Sorryman, will you?" Soda asked Gangwarf, who agreed, and soon the four of them were trekking through the wood to find the other Ants.

When every Ant in White-Fangorn had amassed in a clearing in the middle of the forest, Soda stood up (which didn't make much difference to his height, but hey), and spoke to the group assembled before him.

"A problem we Ants have, hmm? Gone over to the Dark side, Sorryman has. Told I was of this by these Rabbits. As Sorryman our neighbour is, something we must do about this." The other Ants murmured excitedly to each other, and one stood up.

"Oh Wise Soda, Sorryman has already damaged White-Fangorn! His foul D'orctroopers have been killing Ants for days in the south of the forest!" said the Ant sadly. The other Ants gasped in shock.. Another Ant (with a distinct asthmatic condition) by the name of Garth PlayDough leapt to his feet.

"We can't (breath) let that appal-(breath)-ling wizard do (breath) this!" he shouted, between taking an inhaler.

"Brave your words are, PlayDough, but too many of Sorryman's D'orctroopers there are. Kicked, our asses would be." Replied Soda solemnly.

The Ants agreed with Soda sadly. There was simply no defeating Sorryman's huge D'orctrooper army.

"Hey," said Fluke Knightrider, another Ant, "why don't we build an army of clon…"

"Shh!" said Soda angrily. "Sued for infringing copyright, you want to be?"

Everyone fell silent once more (apart from Garth's rattling breaths), when suddenly Smelly leapt to his feet, an idea hitting him. After hastily knocking out the idea for daring to hit him, Smelly explained his plan to the other Ants, who grinned wickedly to each other, and hastily agreed to the Rabbit's suggestion. Sorryman would regret ever daring to annoy the Ants of White-Fangorn, before the week was over. 

Gangwarf, trying not to look overly happy about his role in Sorryman's downfall, bid the Rabbits and the Ants farewell and cantered off on FedEx to start the plan in motion by meeting up with Aragormless, Leggylass, Dill and Grouchi in the previous chapter (eat your heart out, Michael J. Fox).


	3. Just Can't Get The Staff These Days

Chapter Three: Just Can't Get the Staff These Days  
  
The five companions stumbled over the green plains of Ronan through the night, until as dawn broke they looked upon a great city, built upon a tall hill.  
"Edortails, the capital of Ronan." said Gangwarf to the rest. "We're lucky to have arrived in the morning; it's too early for anyone to have started drinking yet."  
"Meaning they'll still have hangovers from last night, then." said Aragormless, panting from all that running.  
"Too true," replied the wizard, "so don't speak too loudly, or make any smart-arse remarks. That means you, Dill."  
Quickly, the five of them made their way to the gates of the city, and were let through. Looking around, they saw the usual features of a typical Ronan city. Narrow cobbled paths led the way through the town to various pubs and potato factories, with one wide road cutting straight through the messy street plan, to where a great building stood on top of the hill.  
"That is the great hall of Mead-u-sold, the oldest brewery in Ronan. Also, it is the home of King Théowulf."  
"Alcoholic much?" muttered Dill.  
"What did I tell you about snide comments?" said Gangwarf furiously. "You better not say anything like that to the king!"  
"Vhy's it so important to save this schmuck, anyvay?" said Grouchi, voicing the overall view of the Fellowship.  
"Because he's under the power of Sorryman." said Gangwarf condescendingly. "Remember him? In league with Saurondemort?"  
"Yeah, but then what? What do we want with some drunken king?" said Leggylass.  
"Duh. Use him to defeat Sorryman's giant P'orctrooper army."  
"I'm sorry. I must be losing my hearing." said Dill sarcastically. "I thought you said we should use him to defeat Sorryman's army, and even you, Gangwarf, imbecile that you are, would never suggest anything as utterly, utterly idiotic as that."  
"Just humour me." said Gangwarf, tapping his large nose conspiratorially, "I have a cunning..."  
"DON'T! Don't say it!" said everyone frantically.  
"Fine." Sighed the wizard. "Come on, or they'll have started slurring their speech by the time we get there."  
Hurried on by Gangwarf's ominous words, the company soon came to the great gates of Mead-U-Sold, where they were waylaid by a company of green- clad bouncers.  
"Hello there, to be sure. Are ye here for the goided tour, or the beer-tasting session?" inquired the lead guard.  
Grouchi's eyes lit up at the mention of beer, but Gangwarf quickly said that they were there to see the king (but they wouldn't mind a guided tour once they'd finished with Théowulf).  
"Ah, no weapons allowed in the brewery," said a guard, snatching Dill's gun from her bag. "Can't be too careful these days, to be sure."  
Dill growled angrily, but relented her gun. Gangwarf rolled his eye's condescendingly.  
"Violence happy witch, I don't know." He muttered.  
"That's sorceress to you, bub."  
"Hand over ye staff as well, there." Said the guard to Gangwarf. "Secuiroity regulations, to be sure."  
"Don't come between a wizard and his wand, bucko." Said Gangwarf threateningly.  
"Now who's violence happy?" scoffed Leggylass. "Aww, just let him through." She said to the guard. "Less paperwork."  
The guards looked at each other, considering, and eventually stepped reluctantly aside so that the five travellers could enter the hall.  
It was very dark inside, despite a roaring log fire in the centre of the room. At the far end of the hall there was a throne, upon which an old man sat, his head nodding occasionally into sleep. Next to him an ugly man stood, sporadically poking the king out of his slumber.  
The five companions made their way to the throne, Gangwarf leading. The king awoke suddenly, and cast a sleep-drenched eye over them.  
"Who're ye?" said King Théowulf drowsily "Make it snappy, I ain't had a droink in two hoirs." "Whaaasup? I am Gangwarf, White Wizard and court-jester extraordinaire, here to deliver you from the evil of Sorryman, save your lands and even give you the mythical Wizard's Makeover™. Don't worry; I accept all major credit cards." Said Gangwarf, stepping forward impressively.  
The ugly man next to the throne spoke up before Théowulf could reply.  
"Gangwarf? Not the children's entertainer from the Shy-er? The one who can't tell the difference between his wand and his beard?" the man lisped disdainfully.  
"Oy vey!" said Grouchi, recoiling. "I never forget a face, but in your case, I'd be glad to make an exception!"  
"Hey! I know you!" said Dill suddenly. "Wormtail, isn't it?"  
"I'm sorry?" said the man, a flicker of panic crossing his face.  
"No, it was definitely something reptilian." Remarked Leggylass. "Dragon-breath? Alligator-nose?"  
"Lizard-Looks?" chipped in Aragormless.  
"No!" the man finally yelled. "It's Snake-eyes! Snake-eyes!"  
"That's the one!" crowed Dill. "Grimy Snake-eyes, Sorryman's lackey!  
"I don't know what you mean..." said Snake-eyes, horrified.  
"Is this true?" said the King, shocked. "D'ye work for that tee-total arse of a wizard?"  
"Never! I am loyal to Ronan only, my lord!" Snake-eyes spluttered.  
Suddenly, without warning, a telegram boy sprinted into the hall, halting before Snake-eyes.  
"Singing telegram for you, sir!" The boy said breathlessly, before breaking into an inspirational song:  
  
"Hello Snake-eyes, my old friend  
Your busy work is at an end  
Your voice has been slow and boring  
Until you got Théowulf snoring  
Ronan has fallen, the words of your story  
Now echo round Mead-U-Sold Hall  
'Cos no-one at all can stand the sound  
The sound of Snake-eyes"  
  
"This is all a mistake!" shrieked Snake-eyes over the song.  
"Also got an ordinary telegram for you, sir!" said the telegram boy

"Dear Snake-eyes STOP Well done on taking over Ronan STOP Remind me to give you a pay rise STOP Love and Hugs STOP Sorryman STOP"

Everyone looked accusingly at the counsellor, who tried (and failed) to look innocent.

"I'll just show myself out, shall I?" he said finally, before dashing through the hall and out the doors before the inebriated guards could stop him.

"Well, that went easier than expected." Observed Dill.

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Said Gangwarf, cleaning his sunglasses with a dreadlock, "But we've still got to defeat Sorryman."

"Whassat? Are ye outta yoir toiny moind?" slurred Théowulf at the wizard.

"Do not doubt the White Wizard." Said Gangwarf imperiously, arranging his shades foppishly on the top of his head. "And remember; I have a cunning..."

"DON'T!"

"What is it with you people? Why can't I say that?"

"Do you want to be sued by the BBC? Again?" explained Leggylass in a hushed tone. Gangwarf shook his head fearfully; awful memories of his last court case resurfacing- 'The Grey Wizard vs. Messrs Atkinson, Robinson and Fry' – all because of a careless comment at the 1997 Baftas.

"Well, anyway," said Dill uncomfortably, "what is this, ah, 'crafty idea', heh heh, of yours?"

"Well, basically, it's operation 'Distract-Sorryman-While-The-Ants-Attack- Him-From-Behind'."

"Isn't that kinda schneaky?" asked Grouchi.

"Duh. Do you think I got to where I am today by honesty and integrity alone?"

"I thought you committed Mass-Banglecide to get where you are today." Muttered Aragormless sardonically.

"Yes, well, still," stammered Gangwarf, lost for words for once, "there's more than one way to skin an oliphaunt, as they say."

"And where exactly do they say that?"

"Never you mind. Anyway, the point is, it doesn't matter how we defeat Sorryman, just so long as we defeat him."

"So two wrongs make a right, according to you."

"Shut up, Dill." Said Gangwarf, glaring at the Warden. "I'm the wizard so what I say goes. Right? Ok. What we have to do is declare War on Sorryman, get all his army to march out of Ivanhoe, then the Ants attack from behind and slam bang you've got one defeated wizard. What do you think?" he asked, beaming at them.

Everyone grudgingly agreed it was a very good plan.

"Just one tiny, insignificant flaw." Noted Dill. "How the Hell do we defeat a giant army of P'orcs?!?"

"Tha's moy question, too." Slurred Théowulf. Gangwarf's face fell.

"Those sneaky little Rabbits! I'll bet they knew all along that this would happen!"

"Vhat do ve do?" said Grouchi. "Defeating 10,000 P'orctroopers ain't exactly going to be a valk in Central Park."

Everyone looked at each other wordlessly. Suddenly, a small heat-and-light- giving, tungsten-filled, Edison-invented device lit up the air around Leggylass' head.

"Hey! What about Éomama?" she cried suddenly.

"By the power of Slimfast!" yelled Aragormless. "She's got it!"

"............ Explain, please!" chorused everyone.

"Leggylass clearly suggested that someone should go and fetch Éomama and his army or Ronaners, who will swell our numbers until we are strong enough to defeat the ghastly Sorryman!" cried Aragormless triumphantly.

"Uh, no," said Leggylass, "I meant that he's a possible future boyfriend for Dill, as he's the heir to Ronan, since all the other kingdom heirs are spoken for or dead."  
  
Dill wrinkled her nose. "Nah. No offence, but who'd wanna be queen of this dump? I'm still holding out for Barometer's brother."

A sudden light had come into Gangwarf's eyes at Aragormless' suggestion, though.

"Behold!" he cried triumphantly. "For I, Gangwarf the White, Wizard extraordinaire, shall set forth to find Éomama and bring his army to defeat the P'orctroopers!"

"No way, José! You're not getting out of this fight like that!" said Dill, grasping at Gangwarf's cloak to hold him back.

But before Dill could get a proper grasp on him, Gangwarf charged from the hall, ran through the streets of Ronan, leapt on FedEx, and was dashing into the next chapter.


End file.
